The Toilet

Dedicated, with a special FUCK YOU, to everyone who doubted me.

He's sitting on a toilet, waiting for any of the three people he's been texting to text him back. One of those people is his girlfriend and he dreads hearing another word from her. Another one of those people is a girl he went to high school with and he is trying to bone her and, even though she says she has a boyfriend, he's guessing she's lying and as he squeezes his buttocks together a farting noise is emitted, syncopated with his eager heart. The other person is his best friend and he doesn't really care about him.

Light flickers from yellow, to what he assumes is neutral, to pink, to what he assumes is neutral. His phone vibrates twice. He checks it. Neither message is his girlfriend. Just then he groans and his ass cheeks shake, then open, and he dumps mounds of backed up feces painfully into the toilet. He groans again, hears his cell vibrate, reaches for it, but shits all over the inside of the toilet bowl before he can read the message. When he does he sees it's the girl he went to high school with. Score.

Washing his hands, the lights are still flickering and dimming, changing colors, and he reaches into the back pocket of his jeans for a pillbox. With his other moist hand he scratches his cock, faintly fantasizing about the girl from highschool. He opens this pill box and removes six one-milligram pills of Klonopin. He holds the pills under the running water, bends over, and shoves them up his ass with two fingers. He reaches up to the second knuckle on both fingers when something sharp catches his fingers. It feels like his ass is biting him. He tries to pull his fingers out but he can't. His ass won't let go. Doubled over in the weird lights, he charges around the bathroom until he smashes headfirst into the toilet bowl. He goes limp. His head drops into the water.

When he regains consciousness he finds himself floating underwater. The heads of Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, Karl Marx, and a masked head of the Invisible Committee are all attached to strands of shit. The strands of shit are anchored to some filthy oceanic floor. Obama head throws itself at Marx head and particles of shit disperse through the water. Invisible Committee head sits back and does nothing until Marx head approaches on its shit strand, at which point Invisible Committee head barks and makes noises no one can understand. Romney head feebly goes for Obama head but Obama head bites Romney head's shit strand and Romney retreats. 

While this is all happening he is still floating in the water, thinking, “damn, I really just wanna fuck that girl from high school.”