17

she moves about the courtyard, flesh eyes forward in their flesh frame, ghost feet not kicking up anything.
she took photos here, before she took pills and vodka somewhere else.
why has returned? maybe for me.
at least in the dream i can be that selfish.

25

winter
a new year
a fifty year old man's voice saying "did you cum?"
me mouthing "no"
him not knowing it wasn't about that
his yellow cum on my porcelain belly
it was about love or something he couldn't understand
i understood everything

AMERICAN GULAG: a novel

My new novel, titled AMERICANGULAG, is set to be published in 2017 with the kind assistance of Mr. Matthew Stokoe.

The Life of Pablo - album review

Kanye West's The Life of Pablo is one of the greatest albums of all time.  This is an album that should be played at funerals and in places of worship.  From the first track to the last one, we on a ultra light beam.  This is a god dream.

"Now, if I fuck this model, and she just bleached her asshole, and I get bleach on my t-shirt, I'ma feel like an asshole." Ye drops the pop lyrics of the year right here on the second track, "Father Stretch My Hands," but he's not done: if you keep listening there's a story there: "I was high when I met her. We was down in TriBeCa." Ye does a little step-step maneuver with his vocal pitch to match the spelling of "TriBeCa".  This whole thing is genus.

"I feel like me Taylor might still have sex. Why? I made that bitch famous." True? Maybe. What is true is that Yeezus has "loved us better than our kin did, from the very start" and as I'm typing this and hearing the screech of my mom's steering as she screams for me to to call an ambulance, I drop the phone and instead sing along full force with Kanye and Rihanna. "I just wanted you to know I've loved you better than your own kin did, from the very start. I don't blame you much for wanting to be free. I just wanted you to know."

David Bowie's death and the post-empire

It's 11 at night and I'm on a lot of drugs and I'm scared.  We have dexedrine to balance out the ADHD, klonopin to balance out the dexedrine, DXM to counteract the PCP, and mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics to balance out everything.  Its one of those nights where the paranoia that paralyzes the national character is paralyzing my own mind as well.  From across the room the night sky's abyss stares in at me, representing everything foul and fucked up in the USA.  I sit in my ivory fortress, in my ivory tower.  My ivory fortress is my last stronghold against a rapidly dying world and it is where I am reporting all of this from.

Nightmares

Whenever I fall asleep I have nightmares.  I have to stop falling asleep.

When I was 4 it was Thanksgiving and my uncle pulled his cock out in front of me.  He pressed it to my lips.

Before and after that was school.  School was the main nightmare.  I keep coming back to it, it and the tiny shit town that raised me.

I have to stop falling asleep.

College is where I accidentally smoked PCP.  For the next seven years after that I was locked in PCP hell.  I saw the world distorted and black.  My mind was a contorted version of what it had been.  When I slept on PCP, I didn't dream, or if I did I didn't remember it.  Seven years later my mom discovered that DXM can counteract PCP.  I'm out of PCP hell.  Whenever I fall asleep I have nightmares.

I have to stop falling asleep.

While I was under the influence of PCP I became a drug addict.  I was also raped.

I have to stop

THE SUBURBS

ARCADE FIRE'S "THE SUBURBS" has been my favorite album since I was old enough to know what it means to have a genealogical place in the world. I was born in Mahattan and lived there for many years but my real home is suburban New Jersey and it probably always will be. I fear and loathe the city, I've come to realize in my 25 years on this earth, and my true home is the suburbs of NJ. There are good things about it and bad things about it. ARCADE FIRE weighs them both and speculates on the future for suburbia, and, ultimately, the world at large.

CHILLWAVE, or C86, is one of my favorite musical genres and chillwave band REAL ESTATE, New Jersey natives, really strike a chord with me. Their self-titled debut album may not be their most musically accomplished but it's my favorite one. On songs like "Suburban Dogs" and "Suburban Beverage" they capture the milieu, the tedium and boredom, of suburban New Jersey while relishing in it, languishing in the general peace and privilege of living in such a place.

This is an album that feels good.

These are albums that I proudly identify with my home.